an emotional pile of snot

my friend lindsey sent me this link to check out, with a warning that it was a little long and set to the tune of a jesus song, but that it's worth watching.

after watching it, i learned i'm a little emotional right now in my life, cause there were definitely tears.

the reason for the tears isn't as simple as just awe and inspiration, as might cause others to tear up at watching this.

unfortunately, my tears are in sadness and even anger (even now as i write).

stephanie, my sister, is going through such a hard time in her life right now. and i'm so amazed at the difference between a) what the guy in the video would do for, but more importantly with, his son, and b) what i feel like my mother is able or willing to do for my sister.

i'm so angry at her right now because i really believe she should support my sister right now- call her, visit with her, offer her comfort, don't tell her she is wrong, don't dismiss her needs, share experiences, share empathy and sympathy, be open and available, be a mother.

she either can't or won't.

but Dick Hoyt, he runs marathon's simply to see the happiness on his son's face.

and i'm angry because all this has reminded me that when i needed her most in my life, my mom really wasn't able to give me what i needed either.

i thought that she and i were past all that, but seeing the way she has been with my sister right now brings it all back for me.

i feel like i've ruined this wonderful story with my poisonous jealousy.

sometimes, living in another state still isn't enough space for me.

3/1/07 update- i wrote this post, published it, and then unpublished it. all this was real and heartfelt, but so much more about me than it was about my mother. she has supported my sister well, in her own way, which i accept and love her for. i'm only posting this now to be truthful and accept myself in my many moments of growth and struggle.