i've written this post about 8 times now. i keep deleting what i wrote because it sounds whiny. what am i really trying to say? it's too much? make it stop?
yes... but not really.
so why do i feel compelled to say something? what is it that i want to say? i'm overwhelmed? (whiny) i'm scared and uncomfortable? (that's life) i want it to be easy? (really, susan? i doubt that) it's too much? (quit yer bitchin')
maybe just that i'm exhausted (still whiny, i know) and would like things to settle down in my head and in my life just a little. i feel out of control. i think i've felt every emotion that ever existed in the last week or two. it should be a garden hose, but it's going like a fire hose.
really, susan? then why do you keep taking it all on? don't you think if you wanted to have a slow relaxing life, that you could? you're the one that keeps taking on more and it's not because you have to. you choose to. get used to it, this is what you want for yourself, even if you are really really really stressed out.
you want a challenging job, don't you?
you want to enjoy friendships with everyone in the whole wide world, don't you?
you want to challenge yourself on every level, just to make sure you haven't forgotten to shine up some part of yourself that needs shining, don't you?
you want to push yourself to teach a class that's scary as hell, don't you?
you want to play cello and work out and volunteer and go camping and hang with friends and play on the weekends, don't you?
you think you're ready for a kid, susan renee?
oh jesus.
if only i could lead two lives at the same time, i think i could do everything i want to do.
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3 comments:
Take a nice, deep cleansing breath. Light some candles tonight and lie down on your beautiful couch, feet up.
You only know how much you can handle when you try to do too much and it gets uncomfortable. There's lots to do, but you don't have to do it all at once..or even in the same year!
You're stressed now. Cut some things out. You deserve (and need) time off. Otherwise how will you enjoy the things you are doing?
Even if it seems like a worthy cause or even fun in theory, it's taxing you. Pick two things you can manage this week and don't do anything else. Seriously. Cancel plans, reschedule, and relaxed.
***hugs***
With truth comes peace. That is a saying that helps guide my decisions.
(Remember, peace is not without nerves, or energy, or growth... You just know.)
Let life come to you for a while -- you don't always have to go out and grab it. Sometimes, what you really need is time. Take time to really listen to you.
God, I want to kick my own ass right now.
Good luck.
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