bad dreams

one of my least favorite kinds of bad dreams are the ones where i relive some horrible part of my childhood, but with all the strength, wisdom (hopefully) and experience i have as an adult.

i just had a really awful dream, with many bad bad parts in it (eagle is injured and i have to help fix it, all my friends got laid off from work, i helped save a man's life just to watch him start stalking and abusing a woman).

the worst part was when my friends showed up at my house, there was all this naked fun with bubbles (not sure what that's about, wasn't really sexual) and we laughed really loud. my brother shushed us and said, you probably just woke dad up.

so of course, my dad can't hurt me anymore. first of all, he's dead. second, i'm an adult with good strong boundaries now.

so i say to my brother "let him come in here angry. i don't care". and my brother says something like- "what if he hits you." and i say "then i'll fucking press charges. he can't hurt me." in the dream, i feel the kind of strength and resolution i feel now when faced with a bully or an abuser- they can't hurt me, just let them try.

this kind of dream is so hard for me, because i wake up feeling like i 'fixed' it for myself as a kid. but then i revisit my childhood in my mind and i'm reminded that there's nothing i can do now to help that me. all those things happened to me, and i can't take them away no matter how strong and smart i am now. and i'm sad to remember. i know i need to, but it's hard.

it's also difficult to think of how my dad would have faired against someone strong and smart and wise. he wouldn't have stood a chance 'picking on someone his own size', so instead he picked on us. vulnerable, young, unformed children. and again i'm sad.

i know these dreams go a long way to helping me remember where i came from and gain the strength to deal with challenges today. they also do a real number on me as i'm forced to revisit those feelings of fear, dread, and terror that i was powerless to avoid.

it's a hard way to start a day. i'm thankful they are rare. =)