cloverfield ROCKS!!!

seriously, the movie was awesome. they really did a great job with it and i'm planning to see it again in the theater. maybe a couple more times.

really fantastic!! i hope you go see it!

fair?

the conversation over lunch today inspired me to create this (click on it to make it big enough to read):






















share your thoughts, or don't. it just helped me to get this out of my head.

[i am a project manager, not an designer, so please forgive]

dear santa letter- alicia renee

my niece dictated this santa letter to her teacher, who wrote it just the way she asked...

it says:

dear santa,

you are big and jolly. i like that. do you like stars? will you bring a pink bracelet for my mom? pink is her favorite color. my brother wants ten thousand trucks. my dad wants a pair of new screwdrivers. i want some sunglasses because the sun hurts my eyes. merry christmas santa. love alicia



i love that she starts by asking santa a question about himself and then asks for things for her family. she asks for her own gift last, and doesn't even ask for a toy. very practical, just like her aunt. =)

alicia lost her second tooth yesterday and is turning 6 next week. cliche, i know, but it's hard to believe she's growing up so fast.

her little brother, cole, is reading already and he's only 3.

i just love them so much and wish i could be closer to them.

transition update

aaron is moving into his own apartment this weekend. i'm planning to help him finish packing tomorrow and then move on sunday.

it's been so sad to make this transition. the grief and sorrow are sometimes so overwhelming, i cry without being able to stop.

when i'm in that place, i always try to remember:
- this is the way it needs to be, it just does
- it's not like we won't see each other
- i can love everything about aaron and accept him the way he is, but that doesn't mean we are right to be together
- this will be so good for us and we will both grow tons from it
- it's not an end, it's the natural progression of life

i remember those things, but sometimes they don't help and i'm just so damn sad.

on the flip side, i think aaron is showing more excitement than he was. either that or i caught him at a good moment yesterday. i hope he can get excited and see this as such a huge opportunity for him, which it is. the freedom may be scary at first, but i imagine it will grow on him quickly.

i love you, buddy.

cursor- collaborate with yourself?

beat my score, if you can... =)

this fetus looks like a duck

i actually squealed in delight when sam sent me the link to this site.

it's a site that shows pictures of things that shouldn't look like a duck, but do anyway.



















i know, squealing is so high school, but i just thought it was so funny.

now i'm on the lookout for anything that might look like a duck so i can take a picture. =)

ice pics

the ice is melting and it makes for prettiness, don't you think?

thanks for your thank you, barbara!

I got this card in the mail recently. it was so nice, i just have to share it with the internet and somehow pay the niceness forward a little.






















i met barbara on a plane when i was flying to denver for work. she wrote this to me:

_________________

dear susan-

you sat beside me on a plane from minneapolis to denver last april. when it looked like i might be stuck overnight in denver- you graciously offered to share your hotel room with me. that was so generous- i haven't forgotten. i meant to write and thank you sooner- but the time slips away so quickly.

i hope you will enjoy many blessings in the new year.

barbara
_________________

she ended up catching her connecting flight after all, so i didn't actually do anything for her, but it was so nice of her to send me the well wishes.

i love finding kind people in the world- it refreshes my belief in goodness.

thanks for the thoughtful card, barbara!

finding north

some friends helped me work through some stuff this weekend (thanks scott, linda, lori, julie and sam) and i feel like north is coming around.

i don't want to get excited too soon, in case north becomes more elusive, but i'm feeling so much better already.

=)

strange- when i open up my heart and ask questions, answers seem to come in their own sweet way.

i may be learning to trust myself again... (shhh, don't jinx it)

to sam

which way is north?

this transition has started to get pretty scary for me. i'm certain about my choice to change the nature of my relationship with aaron. i couldn't be more certain that it will be the best thing for me (and hopefully him).

after that certainty, there aren't any others. i doubt myself and my choices.

if something feels good, really good right now, is that because:
- it's new and therefore naturally exhilarating?
- i'm hiding the truth from myself because i want to feel good?
- it's the right thing and i can trust it?
- it's healthy for once?

if something feels off or wrong right now, is that because:
- it isn't right for me?
- it's new and therefore naturally a little unsettling?
- it's a transition period and therefore also naturally unsettling?
- i'm over-thinking it?
- it should feel a little off, it's healthy for once?

do i need to:
- seek immediate resolution (is good resolution possible in moments of high transition?)?
- grow in some way (do i call it growing, but really it's just compromising myself until i feel okay with something that's not right)?
- let go until things calm down, just focus on the feelings, but not on making changes?
- take a stand and refuse to let the situation continue?

how do i trust my senses and my instincts ever again? this is the second time in my life when i woke up to realize i wanted to choose a completely different life path for myself than i was currently taking.

i feel like i'm in my bedroom as a child again. my dad is coming into the room. i know he wants to see that i'm not unhappy with what is happening, so i disconnect and show him what he wants to see. i bury the real thoughts so deep, they never have a chance to get out. AND, i believe that's the right thing to do because i don't want to be disruptive. it's somehow worth it because...

well i guess that's the part i just don't understand. is it worth it because it keeps the peace? i hardly seem to be afraid of not keeping the peace in a lot of different parts of my life. does it just have to do with my relationships with men?

regardless, i know that i am capable of carrying on a life in front of myself that goes against the things i really want and need. i know that about myself. and in knowing that about myself, how can i have any trust in any of my choices?

part of me says let go and just live, it will work itself out. but part of me knows that i've done that twice now, and woken up years later needing to make a big change.

i feel so overwhelmed. scared. sad. angry. alone.

i feel like i had confidence in myself before this. now i feel like i've lost my compass and north is nowhere to be found.

my hopes

i listed some of my hopes in a recent blog: Life Revolution- am i ready to blog again?

i would like to add this one.

i hope i'll be able to resist the urge to 1) try to predict the full and final outcome of life based on each and any particular choice and 2) paralyze myself with the uncertainty that undoubtedly and naturally follows such an approach.
___________________________

vote, if you like ----->

happy birthday kat!

she's a great friend. she's a fun, smart and lovely person. i'm so glad she's in my life.

i love you kat!

magnifique!

it's a little long, but very fun (no pun intended).

kitten's playing (i love them)

the end is worth waiting for...

white trash meets tacos

sam made white trash tacos last night, which were out of this world.

gooey, messy, cheese whiz-ey (cheese whiz being the thing responsible for the title 'white trash')

i will crave them forevermore.

YUM!

(i should have taken a picture, but i was too busy scarffing the yumminess. i'll take a picture next time.)

aaron- freebird

aaron left the hospital last night and celebrated his freedom by going home, walking to the coffee shop, walking home, then watching half of 'oh brother, where art thou' with me before going to bed. he is very happy to be out, and i'm happy FOR him.

if you want to call him, let me know and i'll give you our home phone number if you don't already have it.

Life Revolution- am i ready to blog again?

so yeah, how was i to know that everything in my life would change 100% in 3 months time?

i really didn't even think that was possible.

yet here i am, rethinking everything i know about practically everything; exhausted and exhilarated by the last 3 months of my life.

that one line from fight club where ed norton and brad pitt's characters are talking about their relationship comes to mind repeatedly for me:
fuck what you know. you need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.

i feel a little bit like ed norton's character must have felt when he realized things weren't quite what he thought they were.

it took some time for all the pieces to come together and make sense, but once they did, he welcomed the truth, and i think i do to.

it's surreal.

but it's welcome.

'my eyes are open.'

i say to sam: you met me at a very strange time in my life.
__________________

my hopes:

aaron and i will remain close friends throughout our lives and share all our wonderful events at least in some close proximity.

i will continue to open my eyes to the truth about myself and keep them as open as possible.

i will have the courage to make decisions based on the truths i know and the truths i learn about myself and others near me.

i will allow myself the luxury of actually making mistakes (some big ones) so that i can learn to grow and love myself at the same time i experience life to the fullest.

i will welcome my decision to drift down the river of life and trust that the current has always supported me and always will.

i will always treat people with the love, respect and honor they deserve.

i will stop being so dramatic about all this shit.
__________________

i'm a little scared... i'm sure that's normal.

make sure to vote in my latest poll-------->

Special Agent Tom Rogers must get his daughter back.

i laughed pretty hard at this one (have you seen it?):

my blog silence- update

there is no shortage of things i'd like to blog about right now, but i just don't feel free to share all that is in my mind.

i hope that i can return to open and free blogging within the next few weeks.

please come back and check from time to time- i really don't want to lose you, fine reader, and when i finally return to blogging, i hope to make it worth your wait.

yep.