which way is north?

this transition has started to get pretty scary for me. i'm certain about my choice to change the nature of my relationship with aaron. i couldn't be more certain that it will be the best thing for me (and hopefully him).

after that certainty, there aren't any others. i doubt myself and my choices.

if something feels good, really good right now, is that because:
- it's new and therefore naturally exhilarating?
- i'm hiding the truth from myself because i want to feel good?
- it's the right thing and i can trust it?
- it's healthy for once?

if something feels off or wrong right now, is that because:
- it isn't right for me?
- it's new and therefore naturally a little unsettling?
- it's a transition period and therefore also naturally unsettling?
- i'm over-thinking it?
- it should feel a little off, it's healthy for once?

do i need to:
- seek immediate resolution (is good resolution possible in moments of high transition?)?
- grow in some way (do i call it growing, but really it's just compromising myself until i feel okay with something that's not right)?
- let go until things calm down, just focus on the feelings, but not on making changes?
- take a stand and refuse to let the situation continue?

how do i trust my senses and my instincts ever again? this is the second time in my life when i woke up to realize i wanted to choose a completely different life path for myself than i was currently taking.

i feel like i'm in my bedroom as a child again. my dad is coming into the room. i know he wants to see that i'm not unhappy with what is happening, so i disconnect and show him what he wants to see. i bury the real thoughts so deep, they never have a chance to get out. AND, i believe that's the right thing to do because i don't want to be disruptive. it's somehow worth it because...

well i guess that's the part i just don't understand. is it worth it because it keeps the peace? i hardly seem to be afraid of not keeping the peace in a lot of different parts of my life. does it just have to do with my relationships with men?

regardless, i know that i am capable of carrying on a life in front of myself that goes against the things i really want and need. i know that about myself. and in knowing that about myself, how can i have any trust in any of my choices?

part of me says let go and just live, it will work itself out. but part of me knows that i've done that twice now, and woken up years later needing to make a big change.

i feel so overwhelmed. scared. sad. angry. alone.

i feel like i had confidence in myself before this. now i feel like i've lost my compass and north is nowhere to be found.