thinking about it makes me sick inside.
saying it with intent doesn't make me feel much better, but i feel like i need to come to terms with it, so here goes:
i'm getting a divorce.
seeing those words and thinking about the process i'm about to take brings tears to my eyes. there are so many difficult things to think about.
- i NEVER thought this would happen.
- it makes me think of our wedding day, and how much fun we had, and then i cry.
- i hate the idea that one of us will be a petitioner and one will be a responder. i want to do it together, like we did when we got married, but by the very nature of it, we are set up to be separate.
- i love aaron so so much and i'm still grieving the change of our relationship.
- i'm sad to think of how he feels about it.
- i hate that it seems to be all about money and splitting everything up. it just feels so cold and ugly and seems to be the wrong treatment to our relationship, which is real and alive and caring.
- i want to do it soon, to get it over with, so we can get on with our lives and our friendship. but i'm afraid aaron will feel like i can't get away from him fast enough, which just isn't true.
- it feels like such a formal step. i feel as weary of divorce as i was of marriage, and maybe even more so.
- i don't really know how to do this. i'd like to go cheap and maybe do it ourselves without lawyers, but jeez, how scary is that?
- i just don't have any money to spend on it. how ironic that it was the same way when we got married, but somehow it was more satisfying to find the money for that.
- i know i will be the one to own this process, which is exhausting just to think about.
- i think he is hoping there is still a chance we may get back together and when i file for divorce, it will kill that hope. it hurts me so bad to think about how that will hurt him. i've spent so much time working to help him and build a life with him, it's hard to be on this side of it now, almost destroying his life, even though i know that's not an accurate description of what's happening. i just feel rotten.
- it feels so wrong that the person that i shared all my time with is now a friend that i might schedule lunch with. so hard to get accustomed to the change, and depressing.
- divorce is such an ugly thing. i hate you divorce!
i'm so sad and i know he is too.
1 comment:
I totally relate to every single word you've written. It's horrible. I hated it and still hate it. It's like society tells you how it should go and you can't take a real human way to deal with it. It sucks. And it's hard to get used to.
Hugs.
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