winning 3-2.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
bad dreams
one of my least favorite kinds of bad dreams are the ones where i relive some horrible part of my childhood, but with all the strength, wisdom (hopefully) and experience i have as an adult.
i just had a really awful dream, with many bad bad parts in it (eagle is injured and i have to help fix it, all my friends got laid off from work, i helped save a man's life just to watch him start stalking and abusing a woman).
the worst part was when my friends showed up at my house, there was all this naked fun with bubbles (not sure what that's about, wasn't really sexual) and we laughed really loud. my brother shushed us and said, you probably just woke dad up.
so of course, my dad can't hurt me anymore. first of all, he's dead. second, i'm an adult with good strong boundaries now.
so i say to my brother "let him come in here angry. i don't care". and my brother says something like- "what if he hits you." and i say "then i'll fucking press charges. he can't hurt me." in the dream, i feel the kind of strength and resolution i feel now when faced with a bully or an abuser- they can't hurt me, just let them try.
this kind of dream is so hard for me, because i wake up feeling like i 'fixed' it for myself as a kid. but then i revisit my childhood in my mind and i'm reminded that there's nothing i can do now to help that me. all those things happened to me, and i can't take them away no matter how strong and smart i am now. and i'm sad to remember. i know i need to, but it's hard.
it's also difficult to think of how my dad would have faired against someone strong and smart and wise. he wouldn't have stood a chance 'picking on someone his own size', so instead he picked on us. vulnerable, young, unformed children. and again i'm sad.
i know these dreams go a long way to helping me remember where i came from and gain the strength to deal with challenges today. they also do a real number on me as i'm forced to revisit those feelings of fear, dread, and terror that i was powerless to avoid.
it's a hard way to start a day. i'm thankful they are rare. =)
i just had a really awful dream, with many bad bad parts in it (eagle is injured and i have to help fix it, all my friends got laid off from work, i helped save a man's life just to watch him start stalking and abusing a woman).
the worst part was when my friends showed up at my house, there was all this naked fun with bubbles (not sure what that's about, wasn't really sexual) and we laughed really loud. my brother shushed us and said, you probably just woke dad up.
so of course, my dad can't hurt me anymore. first of all, he's dead. second, i'm an adult with good strong boundaries now.
so i say to my brother "let him come in here angry. i don't care". and my brother says something like- "what if he hits you." and i say "then i'll fucking press charges. he can't hurt me." in the dream, i feel the kind of strength and resolution i feel now when faced with a bully or an abuser- they can't hurt me, just let them try.
this kind of dream is so hard for me, because i wake up feeling like i 'fixed' it for myself as a kid. but then i revisit my childhood in my mind and i'm reminded that there's nothing i can do now to help that me. all those things happened to me, and i can't take them away no matter how strong and smart i am now. and i'm sad to remember. i know i need to, but it's hard.
it's also difficult to think of how my dad would have faired against someone strong and smart and wise. he wouldn't have stood a chance 'picking on someone his own size', so instead he picked on us. vulnerable, young, unformed children. and again i'm sad.
i know these dreams go a long way to helping me remember where i came from and gain the strength to deal with challenges today. they also do a real number on me as i'm forced to revisit those feelings of fear, dread, and terror that i was powerless to avoid.
it's a hard way to start a day. i'm thankful they are rare. =)
Saturday, March 29, 2008
sam gave notice
sam gave notice to his apartment complex yesterday. he's moving in with me on june 1st. i'm pretty excited about it.i feel like there's something more i want to say about it, but it just sounds like justification for this move, which i don't feel like i need to give.
in addition to all the struggles over the last 8 months, i've also struggled with the feelings of being judged and feeling like i need to defend myself against those who would say i'm doing the wrong thing by letting go of aaron and embracing sam so completely.
i hear voices in my head:
so soon? you just ruined aaron's life 6 months ago, and now sam's moving into the house you and aaron bought together?
are you sure you're not making a big mistake- do you even really know sam?
you're betraying aaron, you know that right?
you don't have any right to do this- you should be miserable after what has happened.
if aaron is hurting or struggling, do you really have a right to be happy and soaring?
i learned a long time ago how to distinguish my own voice from the other voices in my head. when people say that you should get in touch with your inner child, i think of that clear, strong, happy, hopeful voice inside that i know to be my own. then it's easy to hear how the voices i mention above are different, angry, judgmental... wrong.
so maybe my feelings of needing to justify have more to do with the voices in my own head, rather than those of people around me.
i suspect some people DO judge me. and that's normal.
for my own part, i'm thankful to be learning how to listen to the true me inside and make decisions based on her instincts.
so there. sam's moving in and i really couldn't be more excited. i wish we were moving into our own place, but that's just not possible yet. so we'll make the best of it, and i'll learn everything i possibly can about myself throughout the process.
excited!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
easter pictures
sam and i went down to wabasha minnesota to meet his dad, aunt and uncle for easter sunday brunch at the anderson house.
after we ate, we headed down to the eagle center and watched harriet (the eagle) eat a rat. then we scoped out eagles all along the shore.
i've never been to that part of minnesota, but i would really like to go back down there this spring or summer, since it's just so beautiful down there. incredible scenery!
it was a nice easter. =)
after we ate, we headed down to the eagle center and watched harriet (the eagle) eat a rat. then we scoped out eagles all along the shore.
i've never been to that part of minnesota, but i would really like to go back down there this spring or summer, since it's just so beautiful down there. incredible scenery!
it was a nice easter. =)
karma returned- thank you
in january, i posted about a nice card i received from a woman named barbara that i met on a plane last year.
today, i'd like to believe some karma made it full circle.
somehow, today i left my iphone in the bathroom at a caribou coffee for two hours while i met with a client.
HOW THE HELL COULD I DO THAT?!! JEEZ!!
well i did... i don't know how.
someone turned it in at the counter and we were actually reunited (adrenaline rush equal to nearly avoiding a head-on colision).
thank you to the person who turned it in.
seriously, though, thank you.
(btw, i love my iphone so much that if i ever somehow lost it for good [GASP!!], i would buy another one instantly, without hesitation, as soon as possible, without delay)
again, thanks!
today, i'd like to believe some karma made it full circle.
somehow, today i left my iphone in the bathroom at a caribou coffee for two hours while i met with a client.
HOW THE HELL COULD I DO THAT?!! JEEZ!!
well i did... i don't know how.
someone turned it in at the counter and we were actually reunited (adrenaline rush equal to nearly avoiding a head-on colision).
thank you to the person who turned it in.
seriously, though, thank you.
(btw, i love my iphone so much that if i ever somehow lost it for good [GASP!!], i would buy another one instantly, without hesitation, as soon as possible, without delay)
again, thanks!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Sam is nice!
Now I ask you: How can a girl NOT have a happy spring with someone
like Sam around?!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
shout run- perfect for friday
this video is freakin' hilarious. you have to actually watch it and it gets funnier the more you watch. it's nonsense and it just makes me laugh out loud, which is perfect for an early spring friday like this one. =)
enjoy!
(thanks michael)
enjoy!
(thanks michael)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
creative home page
check out this fun home page.
you can't order anything, and it's in dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. be sure your sound is turned on.
thanks jennie!
-
you can't order anything, and it's in dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. be sure your sound is turned on.
thanks jennie!
-
Blogging from my phone!
This is my first mobile post!
These are my office friends: Dexter and Penelope.
Friday, March 07, 2008
feeling broken
ya know, i feel like i've worked so hard to overcome the bullshit from my childhood (here i am, whining again), that it just doesn't seem fair that there is still so much to sort out.
i feel broken, like i don't know how to love or be loved. like i'm really just starting the work i need to do to be healthy.
i don't feel qualified to give half of the advice i've actually given in my life. how rude is that?
i hear my mother's voice in my head, saying the things she would always say. the fear, the insecurity, the desire to isolate so that i can't be hurt.
i know others must feel this way.
i have so much work to do.
i feel broken, like i don't know how to love or be loved. like i'm really just starting the work i need to do to be healthy.
i don't feel qualified to give half of the advice i've actually given in my life. how rude is that?
i hear my mother's voice in my head, saying the things she would always say. the fear, the insecurity, the desire to isolate so that i can't be hurt.
i know others must feel this way.
i have so much work to do.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
F1 Overnight Website Challenge
what have we done?!
so from 7:30am on saturday until about 2:30pm on sunday, i worked with a small group of folks to redesign a website for a non-profit- kairos dance.
the official story
sierra bravo (event sponsors) site
channel 5 news- developer interview
channel 5 news- non-profit interview
pics (i'll be adding mine to my flickr account soon, i hope)
here are pics just from our team (from maley)
also, you can see a million pictures from the event here
about our team
the guy in that news story was kris, he was our awesome designer/developer extraordinaire. we also had andrew on the design/video front. lori rocked it as our IA. erika (captain) and maley wrote the heck out of that site, and marc and forrest programmed from the ground up. i tried to help the day go smoothly by managing the process and client and refilling countless glasses of soda and red bull.
about our non-profit- kairos dance
kairos dance is a group committed to transforming lives through movement and story. their vision is really about how intergenerational dance in the community can reconnect us to ourselves and each other.
maria (and husband cris), reggie, tom and kyle all represented kairos. after the event was over, the group that put the event on, sierra bravo, said that each team had independently declared that their client was the best in the room, and each client had independently declared the same about thier team, which is a very nice thing to have happen. but since our client brought a creative brief, an initial IA, their own creative director and gave us the creative freedom to really shine, i am convinced our client really was the best in the room.
the new website we created for them will really help them take that next step forward and be able to win and collect the support they need to continue their work. i was so glad to be a part of the team that helped them get there.
before and after
here is their home page before and after the redesign:
so that's the romantic story, here's the not-so-romantic...
i watched two inverse processes happen concurrently on saturday. our team went from excited and energized to exhausted and testy, while our client went from nervous and anxious to ecstatic!! and elated!! can you blame them? they watched a website materialize right before their very eyes- a website that will help them do more of the thing they so love to do.
it was difficult to watch our team get so tired and exhausted. i think it made it hard for us all to enjoy the thing we had just done. it's hard to get perspective when we hadn't gotten any sleep, the site wasn't completely error-free, i think we all felt responsible in our own way, and everyone in the room was sort of on top of each other.
we did a pretty great thing and in that moment it was so hard to enjoy that. also, with the client jumping around in excitement, it's hard not to pick up on that contrast and feel a little worse for it. it's easier to feel good about what happened after getting some space from it, but it was a difficult challenge to say the least.
also, big bummer, someone hit lori's car in the parking lot, which cost her a $500 deductable and also emotional angst about whether or not she is the recipient of bad karma. after what she just did all weekend??? if she somehow deserves what she got, that's not the kind of karma i want to believe in. ;-)
back to the happy
i'm thankful that i had the opportunity to work with such a bright and talented team. i'm thankful for the new networking connections i've made. i learned a lot about myself and how i deal with this sort of challenge. i got to be part of a large awesome process that did a lot of great work for minneapolis.
so from 7:30am on saturday until about 2:30pm on sunday, i worked with a small group of folks to redesign a website for a non-profit- kairos dance.
the official story
sierra bravo (event sponsors) site
channel 5 news- developer interview
channel 5 news- non-profit interview
pics (i'll be adding mine to my flickr account soon, i hope)
here are pics just from our team (from maley)
also, you can see a million pictures from the event here
about our team
the guy in that news story was kris, he was our awesome designer/developer extraordinaire. we also had andrew on the design/video front. lori rocked it as our IA. erika (captain) and maley wrote the heck out of that site, and marc and forrest programmed from the ground up. i tried to help the day go smoothly by managing the process and client and refilling countless glasses of soda and red bull.
about our non-profit- kairos dance
kairos dance is a group committed to transforming lives through movement and story. their vision is really about how intergenerational dance in the community can reconnect us to ourselves and each other.
maria (and husband cris), reggie, tom and kyle all represented kairos. after the event was over, the group that put the event on, sierra bravo, said that each team had independently declared that their client was the best in the room, and each client had independently declared the same about thier team, which is a very nice thing to have happen. but since our client brought a creative brief, an initial IA, their own creative director and gave us the creative freedom to really shine, i am convinced our client really was the best in the room.
the new website we created for them will really help them take that next step forward and be able to win and collect the support they need to continue their work. i was so glad to be a part of the team that helped them get there.
before and after
here is their home page before and after the redesign:
so that's the romantic story, here's the not-so-romantic...
i watched two inverse processes happen concurrently on saturday. our team went from excited and energized to exhausted and testy, while our client went from nervous and anxious to ecstatic!! and elated!! can you blame them? they watched a website materialize right before their very eyes- a website that will help them do more of the thing they so love to do.
it was difficult to watch our team get so tired and exhausted. i think it made it hard for us all to enjoy the thing we had just done. it's hard to get perspective when we hadn't gotten any sleep, the site wasn't completely error-free, i think we all felt responsible in our own way, and everyone in the room was sort of on top of each other.
we did a pretty great thing and in that moment it was so hard to enjoy that. also, with the client jumping around in excitement, it's hard not to pick up on that contrast and feel a little worse for it. it's easier to feel good about what happened after getting some space from it, but it was a difficult challenge to say the least.
also, big bummer, someone hit lori's car in the parking lot, which cost her a $500 deductable and also emotional angst about whether or not she is the recipient of bad karma. after what she just did all weekend??? if she somehow deserves what she got, that's not the kind of karma i want to believe in. ;-)
back to the happy
i'm thankful that i had the opportunity to work with such a bright and talented team. i'm thankful for the new networking connections i've made. i learned a lot about myself and how i deal with this sort of challenge. i got to be part of a large awesome process that did a lot of great work for minneapolis.
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