waves waves waves

i always try to make it out to the beach while we're in michigan. and this year, without any snow, the beach was superb for visiting.

while sitting on the beach listening to the waves, i remembered why that place was so hard for me to leave 8 years ago to come to minnesota. when i'm near the lake, my mind sort of empties out of all the rifraff, and i get a certain clarity that doesn't come very easily when i'm away from nature.

the waves said two things to me:
1. in your head, you keep referring to some of the decisions you've made in the last few years as 'mistakes'. you hate that word, and you know it's not right, but you keep using it on yourself. let go of that word and the judgment that goes along with it. give yourself permission to live.

2. please don't forget how important this nature thing is to you. when you sit in your wonderful house that you love, you think you can get the serenity that you get in nature, but you can't. seek out more nature. spend more time finding it, even if it's just at the park down the street. nature is a great listener.



i know the waves said some other things to me too, but these were the main themes.

alicia- artwork

she's well on her way to becoming a fine artist...





















...don't you think?

christmas kids- noah, cole and alicia

so here is a little video of our niece and nephews that i took while we were in michigan. of course, this may only be cute for those of us that are actually related to these children.



near the end, there is a clip of alicia opening the skirt, shirt and purse i got her for christmas (very excited).

none of us should drunk

so after i had my last big interview with allen, i went over to lindsey and michael's place to do a little celebrating.



ya know, we had a good time.

(by the way, no one drove [drunk] home intoxicated)

fantastic read during transition/difficult times- thanks saire!!

i hit some pretty strong situational depression while recently digging through myself, trying to ask hard questions and struggling with the answers. it was the first time in recent history that i've had to rely so heavily on my friends for support. as i may have mentioned, all my friends came through for me with an overwhelming wave of love and encouragement. you all helped in some incredibly important way and i thank you.

while at one of my lowest points, my friend saire cookson recommended this book to me:
What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self
by Ellyn Spragins

i'm telling you now, this book is most fantastical. women who have succeeded in every way you can imagine write a letter to themselves at a younger age, seeking to impart some deeper wisdom they now possess on a struggling younger self.

the result is an encouragment for the reader like no other. it gives perspective, hope, reassurance, all the things we struggle so hard to find in the moment when we need them most, delivered to us by women we can respect and admire. i found myself crying often, the answers almost bleeding out of me as i read.

this book is a must MUST read by anyone working through hard times in their lives. i would recommend it to everyone, but it seems like this book would be so much more powerful at the right moment, it almost makes sense to save it until the struggle is most intense. i want to buy my own copy, so that the next friend that needs it can borrow it from me just in time for their own salvation.

saire, your recommendation was priceless. thank you.

first day at my new job =)

so last thing i mentioned on my blog about the job situation was that i had an invitation to join a new company. i have accepted their offer and actually had my first day with them already today!

last monday i gave notice and said my last day would be january 9th. the new company asked me if i could get a little time in ahead of my january 10th start date, and since we're on holiday today and tuesday, i agreed to work at the new place both those days.

so my new job started today, and it felt like such a great fit, i'm so excited! i know it's the right thing to do, to work through the 9th and give a full two weeks, but i'm so ready to move on already.

it was pretty hard to give notice and revisit all the questions i've asked myself over the last six months. this time, i had to face them from my colleagues, none of whom were present during my lowest moments of depression in searching out the right answer for myself. i can't really expect them to know as surely as i do, but it's hard not to re-ask myself along with the rest of them-
- it's only been 6 months, are you sure it's not a fit?
- aren't you interested in helping build this thing?
- what is it that you just don't like about it, and aren't those things fixable?
- the company sees you as part of a bigger picture here, aren't you interested in that path?
- the client really likes you and will be so disappointed...

i've known that this was the right decision, but that doesn't mean it's an easy transition.
the great feeling i had at the new place today makes the rest of my transition that much more difficult. they'll be telling my current client this coming week along with the rest of the agency, so i'm sure i will hear the questions above many more times. hopefully, the answers will flow a little more easily.

maybe i should follow my friend lori's advice- when asked why i'm leaving, she suggests saying: 'it's simple, they won't let me drink at work, here.'

i promise...

... to upload all my pics and some video from our trip home this weekend and post a link.

... to blog all the cool things that have been going on for me recently.

... to blog all the interesting sites i've found recently on this thing- the internet.

... to love all my friends as much as they have loved me.

... to repay all your blog patience with good bloggin' activity all through next year.

thanks for being cool.

happiness is...

...reading this phrase in my email, today:

"...I would like to offer you a full time position as a producer..."

worship at every meal with jesus pan

yes, i thought this was a joke, but it's actually real!

jesuspan!




















how hilarious is that??

thanks for sharing, jj!!

thanks for the love and friendship

the support of all my friends and family has been so huge for me this last year.

all of you have contributed your listening ear, your kind words, your good energy.

i wouldn't have come through so well if it hadn't been for you. i really feel truly thankful that i have such great friends.

thank you.

sincerely,

sq

doubt

i've got a lot of it. doubt.

i find myself bending down so close to the ground. and then bending the opposite way minutes later.

i want to give what is wanted.

i want to rest even more.

brain, please stop. i can't think anymore.

tears are just below the surface, all the time.

laughter, too.

fear, mostly.

too much fear, suffocating.

focus. perspective. let go.

accountability breeds passion and desire

i've been wrestling lately with some internal soul searching. questions about what i should, could, can do with myself.

this post was helpful to me.














take a gander.

(thanks pamela)

alen- update

not too long ago, i blogged about the birth of alen, our friend's new son. well he's about three months old already.






































here is a little update video if you're into baby's and their precious babbling (there's also a good clip of buddy holding him).



alen, you are a treat to be around.

our awesome saturday

saturday- part one

for the holidays, our dear friends linda and rob bought us tickets to go see 'carols and cantus', which is christmas music performed by the saint paul chamber orchestra and an all male a capella group (cantus).

i would like to tell you how wonderful and amazing the concert was, but words just don't seem to capture the essence. we had front row seats, and the cantus group, if you haven't ever had the opportunity to hear them, was phenomenal.

my favorite piece of the night was when they sang 'o holy night', which is my all time favorite holiday song in the whole world. yes, there were tears. yes, it was that great.

thanks linda and rob!!

saturday- part two

so many of my friends have told us not to miss the body world exhibit while it's in town at the science museum. well, since this was it's last weekend, we knew it was now or never. thank goodness the science museum decided to keep the exhibit open round the clock over the weekend, or we may not have had the opportunity to see it.

after our 'carols and cantus' concert, we made our way to the science museum and prepared ourselves to be amazed.

i'll never forget dissecting a frog in Mr. Barnes' 7th grade science class... i fainted while the teacher demonstrated opening the skull and joe chmelar kicked me cause i fell on his shoes. the next year dissecting the rat didn't go much better for me.

so although i felt sick to my stomach and close to fainting throughout the entire visit, i'm really glad i had the opportunity to see the exhibit. the work that was done to provide a window into the human body was well worth it. i actually feel a new connection to my body, and a renewed sensitivity to how i treat it.

i hope you had a chance to see the exhibit while it was in town.

all i want for christmas is my two front teeth

chipping a tooth sucks.
barry gerst and associates is the best dentist office in town.

here's why:
1. i managed to chip my front tooth the night before a busy work day which involved client meetings.

2. i called (desperately) first thing in the morning to gerst's office, and they only had a 3pm appointment available, which wouldn't work because i couldn't go to my meetings with half a tooth, and i couldn't reschedule them.

3. i called another dentist who was able to get me in right away.

4. he 'fixed' my tooth by grinding at least half of it off, grinding off some of the one next to it as well (since it was also a little unstable), and then filling it with enamel to match the rest of my teeth (by the way, do you know how vulnerable a person feels laying in a chair, just after their two front teeth have been grinded away, hoping that everything works out for the best?). so my teeth are fixed, right? problem solved? not so fast...

5. i went to work, had a couple meetings, then ate lunch. i'll be damned if the pizza wasn't just a little crunchier than it should have been, if you know what i mean (the filling on the back of my front tooth broke off, and left a sharp edge for my tongue to play with).

6. i went to my big client meeting with half a tooth, though visually, it looked okay.

7. i rushed to the 3pm appointment at gerst's office, which was thankfully still available.

8. after dr. sims fixed my tooth (a little more fixed than the previous dentist) he said- i think you've been through enough today, we won't charge you for this fix.

9. i had the urge to kiss him directly on the mouth, but refrained, thankfully.

10. the tooth is now fixed, and beautiful if i do say so myself. i happen to think the gap is even more lovely than it was before the chip ever happened, don't you agree?















11. dr. gerst and associates, at 2701 nicollet avenue, minneapolis, is the best dentist office in the whole world. i thought so before this situation, but it's now written on my blog, so it's forever.

thank you, sweet dentists, for saving my teeth, and being so nice about it!!

irony

so my friend, lori, and i were talking recently about my sister, stephanie, and the situation she's in. her husband has been abusive to her and she's trying to end the relationship and start new with her son and daughter.

so lori says to me- why doesn't she call a woman's shelter for some help.

and i said- well, i think she would be willing, but she's in western michigan, which is somewhat rural and more than somewhat republican. there isn't so much support for a woman in that environment.

it's interesting that i got a call from my sister the very same day. she informed me that after there had been a fight which involved john banging her head into the ground, she did call a woman's shelter for some help.

here's the ironic part- the police came out to investigate, and since the wounds on her head weren't showing yet, but there was a defensive wound on john, they actually arrested her and took her to jail.

she now needs to hire a lawyer to defend herself against abuse charges. oh, and she wasn't allowed home because there was a no contact order against her.

just to add some visuals here, the police came to a home with a 5'3" woman and a 6'5" man... and arrested the woman... in conservative western michigan.

john finally went down to remove the no contact order- he needed someone to take care of the kids.

i'm not dealing very well with the situation.

i love my sister.

how pregnancy happens

did you ever wonder how it happens? or maybe you think you know?















i thought i knew, but i was wrong.

when, exactly, and how, exactly, does a woman get pregno?

time to go inside and find out!















(peter gets so excited, doesn't he?)