blog direction- please help!

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why?

so i've had a little lull in blogging lately for several reasons:

1. my whole life changed before my very eyes and i didn't think it fair to those involved to share personal details whilst in the midst of the change.

2. my whole life changed before my very eyes and i didn't have the energy to breathe, much less log onto blogger and type actual words.

3. once things slowed down a bit, i realized that my vision for my blog had fallen somewhat out of focus.
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what?

so my blogging purpose is a little out of focus. can you help?

the purpose of my blog, as i previously defined it, was threefold:
1. to share online treasures that would expand the minds of my readers
2. to share my experiences
3. to share my photos/videos

sounds noble enough, right?

the first purpose seemed the most important, since i don't see myself as the 'my blog is really my journal' sort of blogger.

and in regards to that first purpose, my filter was this- if some treasure online made me stop and think 'wow, that's pretty sweet/different/geeky/innovative/special', then i would blog about it.

however, now, i see something that makes me think that at least once or twice a day, so that i have treasure overload and it all seems lame, somehow.

plus, maybe i just don't think my readers are having a hard time finding interesting stuff online, so what service am i really providing?
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now what?

so i'm considering two things:

1. blog about myself and don't worry about expanding the minds of my BLAH BLAH BLAH- why not have another journal.blog, eh? and besides, i don't call you all often enough so this may be the only way you know what's going on with me... if i go with this option, i'd leave the new 'internet stuff's' content in the right column over there (no images or preview, tho), which highlights the things i find on the internet all the time that i like (----->), but i'd just talk about myself and what's going on and i wouldn't feel the constant urge to come up with links and reviews of new/unique/cool stuff online (let myself off the hook, right?).
... or...
2. close my blog down- are the ramblings of s.r.q so interesting that ya'll will return just to read my thoughts and (gasp) feelings?? maybe this blog thing should really go away for awhile...

i dunno, what do you think? let me know if you feel strongly either way, or even if you don't feel strongly. is there a better option i've missed?

thanks in advance for your opinion...

susan has entered serious geekdom

it's true... i have an iphone. =)
























my favorite features so far:
i can get online just about anywhere, anytime
i can pull up a google map just about anywhere, anytime
every feature is integrated with every other feature
okay, it really has too many awesome features to be able to describe all my favs...

i can't wait to show it to you. let's hang out soon so you can check it out (if i'm not too nerdy for you now)!!

after mountains, more mountains

I heard a phrase recently: after mountains, more mountains.

the up and down and up and down- and seeing more ups and downs ahead.

when i feel sad, i have no choice but to feel it. there's no fix. nothing can be done. there's no escape.

there's just a lot of sad right now. and a huge desire to escape it with no actual ability to do that.

i'm at work, with practically nothing to do. i should just go home, but there's only more sad there.

untangle- game from satan

you may be able to untangle a few levels of this game (i got to level 12 before i let go finally)...





















...but can you untangle your brain once you are done?

less than half likely, i'm proud to say...

yep, it's probably mostly sorta safe to hang out with me.

46%

next poll should be: chances you would like to have your body eaten by others if they are trapped and starving.

if only saying it were the hardest part...

i hate it, i really do.

thinking about it makes me sick inside.

saying it with intent doesn't make me feel much better, but i feel like i need to come to terms with it, so here goes:

i'm getting a divorce.































seeing those words and thinking about the process i'm about to take brings tears to my eyes. there are so many difficult things to think about.

- i NEVER thought this would happen.
- it makes me think of our wedding day, and how much fun we had, and then i cry.
- i hate the idea that one of us will be a petitioner and one will be a responder. i want to do it together, like we did when we got married, but by the very nature of it, we are set up to be separate.
- i love aaron so so much and i'm still grieving the change of our relationship.
- i'm sad to think of how he feels about it.
- i hate that it seems to be all about money and splitting everything up. it just feels so cold and ugly and seems to be the wrong treatment to our relationship, which is real and alive and caring.
- i want to do it soon, to get it over with, so we can get on with our lives and our friendship. but i'm afraid aaron will feel like i can't get away from him fast enough, which just isn't true.
- it feels like such a formal step. i feel as weary of divorce as i was of marriage, and maybe even more so.
- i don't really know how to do this. i'd like to go cheap and maybe do it ourselves without lawyers, but jeez, how scary is that?
- i just don't have any money to spend on it. how ironic that it was the same way when we got married, but somehow it was more satisfying to find the money for that.
- i know i will be the one to own this process, which is exhausting just to think about.
- i think he is hoping there is still a chance we may get back together and when i file for divorce, it will kill that hope. it hurts me so bad to think about how that will hurt him. i've spent so much time working to help him and build a life with him, it's hard to be on this side of it now, almost destroying his life, even though i know that's not an accurate description of what's happening. i just feel rotten.
- it feels so wrong that the person that i shared all my time with is now a friend that i might schedule lunch with. so hard to get accustomed to the change, and depressing.
- divorce is such an ugly thing. i hate you divorce!

i'm so sad and i know he is too.

cloverfield ROCKS!!!

seriously, the movie was awesome. they really did a great job with it and i'm planning to see it again in the theater. maybe a couple more times.

really fantastic!! i hope you go see it!

fair?

the conversation over lunch today inspired me to create this (click on it to make it big enough to read):






















share your thoughts, or don't. it just helped me to get this out of my head.

[i am a project manager, not an designer, so please forgive]

dear santa letter- alicia renee

my niece dictated this santa letter to her teacher, who wrote it just the way she asked...

it says:

dear santa,

you are big and jolly. i like that. do you like stars? will you bring a pink bracelet for my mom? pink is her favorite color. my brother wants ten thousand trucks. my dad wants a pair of new screwdrivers. i want some sunglasses because the sun hurts my eyes. merry christmas santa. love alicia



i love that she starts by asking santa a question about himself and then asks for things for her family. she asks for her own gift last, and doesn't even ask for a toy. very practical, just like her aunt. =)

alicia lost her second tooth yesterday and is turning 6 next week. cliche, i know, but it's hard to believe she's growing up so fast.

her little brother, cole, is reading already and he's only 3.

i just love them so much and wish i could be closer to them.

transition update

aaron is moving into his own apartment this weekend. i'm planning to help him finish packing tomorrow and then move on sunday.

it's been so sad to make this transition. the grief and sorrow are sometimes so overwhelming, i cry without being able to stop.

when i'm in that place, i always try to remember:
- this is the way it needs to be, it just does
- it's not like we won't see each other
- i can love everything about aaron and accept him the way he is, but that doesn't mean we are right to be together
- this will be so good for us and we will both grow tons from it
- it's not an end, it's the natural progression of life

i remember those things, but sometimes they don't help and i'm just so damn sad.

on the flip side, i think aaron is showing more excitement than he was. either that or i caught him at a good moment yesterday. i hope he can get excited and see this as such a huge opportunity for him, which it is. the freedom may be scary at first, but i imagine it will grow on him quickly.

i love you, buddy.

cursor- collaborate with yourself?

beat my score, if you can... =)

this fetus looks like a duck

i actually squealed in delight when sam sent me the link to this site.

it's a site that shows pictures of things that shouldn't look like a duck, but do anyway.



















i know, squealing is so high school, but i just thought it was so funny.

now i'm on the lookout for anything that might look like a duck so i can take a picture. =)

ice pics

the ice is melting and it makes for prettiness, don't you think?

thanks for your thank you, barbara!

I got this card in the mail recently. it was so nice, i just have to share it with the internet and somehow pay the niceness forward a little.






















i met barbara on a plane when i was flying to denver for work. she wrote this to me:

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dear susan-

you sat beside me on a plane from minneapolis to denver last april. when it looked like i might be stuck overnight in denver- you graciously offered to share your hotel room with me. that was so generous- i haven't forgotten. i meant to write and thank you sooner- but the time slips away so quickly.

i hope you will enjoy many blessings in the new year.

barbara
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she ended up catching her connecting flight after all, so i didn't actually do anything for her, but it was so nice of her to send me the well wishes.

i love finding kind people in the world- it refreshes my belief in goodness.

thanks for the thoughtful card, barbara!

finding north

some friends helped me work through some stuff this weekend (thanks scott, linda, lori, julie and sam) and i feel like north is coming around.

i don't want to get excited too soon, in case north becomes more elusive, but i'm feeling so much better already.

=)

strange- when i open up my heart and ask questions, answers seem to come in their own sweet way.

i may be learning to trust myself again... (shhh, don't jinx it)

to sam

which way is north?

this transition has started to get pretty scary for me. i'm certain about my choice to change the nature of my relationship with aaron. i couldn't be more certain that it will be the best thing for me (and hopefully him).

after that certainty, there aren't any others. i doubt myself and my choices.

if something feels good, really good right now, is that because:
- it's new and therefore naturally exhilarating?
- i'm hiding the truth from myself because i want to feel good?
- it's the right thing and i can trust it?
- it's healthy for once?

if something feels off or wrong right now, is that because:
- it isn't right for me?
- it's new and therefore naturally a little unsettling?
- it's a transition period and therefore also naturally unsettling?
- i'm over-thinking it?
- it should feel a little off, it's healthy for once?

do i need to:
- seek immediate resolution (is good resolution possible in moments of high transition?)?
- grow in some way (do i call it growing, but really it's just compromising myself until i feel okay with something that's not right)?
- let go until things calm down, just focus on the feelings, but not on making changes?
- take a stand and refuse to let the situation continue?

how do i trust my senses and my instincts ever again? this is the second time in my life when i woke up to realize i wanted to choose a completely different life path for myself than i was currently taking.

i feel like i'm in my bedroom as a child again. my dad is coming into the room. i know he wants to see that i'm not unhappy with what is happening, so i disconnect and show him what he wants to see. i bury the real thoughts so deep, they never have a chance to get out. AND, i believe that's the right thing to do because i don't want to be disruptive. it's somehow worth it because...

well i guess that's the part i just don't understand. is it worth it because it keeps the peace? i hardly seem to be afraid of not keeping the peace in a lot of different parts of my life. does it just have to do with my relationships with men?

regardless, i know that i am capable of carrying on a life in front of myself that goes against the things i really want and need. i know that about myself. and in knowing that about myself, how can i have any trust in any of my choices?

part of me says let go and just live, it will work itself out. but part of me knows that i've done that twice now, and woken up years later needing to make a big change.

i feel so overwhelmed. scared. sad. angry. alone.

i feel like i had confidence in myself before this. now i feel like i've lost my compass and north is nowhere to be found.

my hopes

i listed some of my hopes in a recent blog: Life Revolution- am i ready to blog again?

i would like to add this one.

i hope i'll be able to resist the urge to 1) try to predict the full and final outcome of life based on each and any particular choice and 2) paralyze myself with the uncertainty that undoubtedly and naturally follows such an approach.
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vote, if you like ----->

happy birthday kat!

she's a great friend. she's a fun, smart and lovely person. i'm so glad she's in my life.

i love you kat!

magnifique!

it's a little long, but very fun (no pun intended).