taking a blogging break

you may have noticed i haven't blogged in awhile. i guess i'm taking a break. you can follow me on twitter in the meantime if you like (squakk).

life, i love you. all is groovy!

new iphone

yep, i got it.
yep, i love it.
yep, i show it to everyone.

if you're tired of hearing about my iphone, you're not alone. a close friend (sam) has also picked up on my 'over-inflated sense of worth' and sent me this picture:












































i will try to be better. sorry.

Extra Sigur Ros ticket

Sam and I are going to see Sigur Ros on September 25 and we have one
extra ticket we would love to sell ($150). If you want details, let me
know. It will be an amazing show!!!

Free Tivo!

Not HD

40 hour Series Two SD

Let me know if you want any other details...

senior skip day

sam and i were chatting one day about how fun it would be to go to valleyfair during the week when no one else is there and sam suggested it would be like senior skip day. =)

so we invited a bunch of people, and some of them joined us (kat and scott, jeff and gene, michael and lori, jennifer and jeremy, carla and tom).

we only got a few pictures before we ditched the camera in the car. sam got a good one of me getting soaked on thunder canyon.





















you can check out all the pictures here.

i'd like to do senior skip day next year too. it was so much fun!!

seattle and serious pie

sam and i went to seattle recently for work. it was my first time there.

i really like the city a lot- very beautiful, no shortage of great places to eat, sunny every day (apparently we were in the twilight zone).

here is a fun video sam found about 'serious pie', a really fantastic pizza place we will probably eat at every time we visit.


also, you can see all of my pictures here.
and all of sam's pictures here.

i like this picture sam took of me.





















here is a viewer of my pics:


we are going back for work on Sunday. then we're going to michigan to see my mom, my sister, and my niece and nephew. sam will get to meet them all. i'm pretty excited!!

aaron got mugged =(

i wanted to mention to all our friends out there that aaron got mugged. =(

he wasn't hurt, so that was a relief.

he was walking home from the grocery store when 3 kids jumped out of the bushes and pulled a gun on him. they took his wallet and his keys (damn them) and then, to add insult to insult, they swiped his chips and pop!

then they went to mcdonalds and spent $32. they may have tried to spend more but we had canceled the cards by then.

he stayed at our place that night and also a couple nights later as he was getting everything sorted out. at first he was just glad it was over, then it made him a little angry to think about it. to be honest, it made me VERY angry.

I remember when my radio was stolen out of my car and they mangled the dash to get it out. and i thought to myself- fine, okay, take the radio, but could you be considerate enough to leave my car in decent enough shape so that it doesn't look like crap?! seriously, be a little more considerate!!

of course, if they were 'considerate', they wouldn't have broken into my car. duh!

i thought this same way about aaron- WHY DID THEY HAVE TO STEAL HIS KEYS!?? jeez! they didn't try to get into his place. and how would they know what car his car key went to, so why take the stupid keys and force all the locks to get changed and copies to get made?!

stupid kids.

anyway, i didn't think any of that until i knew he wasn't hurt. so glad he was okay...

it was pretty weird having him stay on the couch while sam and i slept upstairs.

yep, weird.

also, we all hung out and chatted a little bit and that was pleasant enough, but still awkward of course.

anyway, that's the news...
-

ecminnesota.org (applause from the crowd)

go to this site to find the nearest pharmacy that provides over the counter emergency contraceptives- EC

the site tells you which pharmacy carries the morning-after pill, how much it costs there, what their hours are, and reminds you that even men (yes, men) can buy the pill over the counter.

BRAVO!!! this site is so overdue and so necessary!!
















okay, seriously- i got an email from naral today telling me about this new site and i noticed an immediate emotional response- relief, excitement, happiness (even).

working at crisis connection and for my own self, i've noticed that it's never been easy for a girl to understand where, when, how this stuff is available, which is so counterintuitive to the reason it exists, don't you think?

well, there are a lot of forces that don't really want this sort of information to be found easily.

but way to go ecminnesota.org. i'm a little surprised at how strongly i feel about this. i've been meaning to blog about so many things lately, but when i saw this, i knew i had to stop what i was doing and blog NOW.

i'm so excited that this resource is available now and i'm planning to tell all my friends about it.

pass it on!

pmp certified!!

i just passed my pmp certification exam and i'm pretty excited. it was a tough one, and i'm so glad it's over.

whew!!

i'll be doing a little celebration tonight- count on it!

Rufus

I met lindsey and nathan's new puppeh last night. Rufus is a dufus and
I love him. Yes, i said LOVE!!

more old film

i developed two more rolls of film-

cole- these were taken when cole was a baby and aaron still had long hair

































a friend's cabin- so peaceful

stomp and other fine notes

this is my kitty. she is silly.

stomp
sam, adam and i went to stomp last night. if you haven't seen them, you really should consider it. they are fantastic and very fun to watch. i laughed out loud (really loud) many many times. it was a great stress relief and so very much fun.

other fine notes
study time- i'm taking the pmp exam on monday. if i pass, i'll be certified as a project management professional, which brings with it a higher salary and all the fame and glory my little heart can handle.

wabasha b&b- sam and i are going to wabasha this weekend and i'm really looking forward to it. if things could just slow down in my life for 24 hours, i'd be happy, and i think a little B&B stay will accomplish that goal. we're staying at the anderson house, which has kitties that you can reserve to stay in your room with you. i just really love that idea, though since sam is allergic to kitties, i don't think we'll take them up on the offer. when we drove down to wabasha for easter, i thought the scenery was sooo beautiful, so i'm excited to see it all again with some green scattered in there.

father's day weekend- i'm also looking forward to a father's day weekend. my dad died 10 years ago this july, and aaron didn't really celebrate father's day. however sam and his dad are very close and i just love the idea of spending sunday with them together.

also- sam is amazing. i'm happy to be living with him. i'm happy to spend my time with him. i'm happy.

new poll--->

your answer says a lot about what sort of person you are------>

new iphone?

i know that people everywhere are starving for an iphone, so is it selfish of me to get the new one when so many people will be going without?

i really want it, and i think i will be getting it, once it's out- seriously, they need to release it NOW.

i'll be using my stimulus check, so one could even argue that it would be american for me to get one.

but i think of all those who are starving in africa, and i realize that i've only had my iphone since january 25th (four blessed months)...

so i ask- is it wrong for me to salivate at the thought of the new one as i plan to take a day off work to stand in line to buy it the instant it's available?

is it wrong (say no)?

whole bag of undeveloped film

i have an entire bag of undeveloped film from before i got a digital camera. there must be at least 30 rolls in there. i'm trying to get them developed a little at a time, like once a month.

here are a couple rolls:

susan's 30th birthday party- i had two disposable camera's at my party, and these are the resulting images.

















george and karen's cabin- we visited g&k's cabin and here are a few pics.

















i miss george and karen. i should call them. it's hard because they don't know we split up and i think they will be sad.

road trip

aaron and i took a road trip to duluth today (i mean yesterday- jeez it's late). =)

















































it rained the whole way up there. we contemplated turning around, but checked the iphone for weather and decided to wait just a little bit and then it cleared up and the sun came out. =)

we hung out by the lake for a few hours and got our fill of the open water. seriously, growing up near the lake in michigan has caused an open water deficiency for me that just aches to be filled as often as possible.

it was fun skipping rocks and just hanging out.

then we drove around a bit- to wisconsin, to park point (the beach that we just can't force ourselves to like) and then back to town. we went to hell's kitchen for dinner and then headed back.

i think we listened to almost four podcasts, and i have to recommend 'deception' from wnyc radio lab. it's about liars and it's fascinating!!

then buddy and i came back to the house and watched a movie together here while i did laundry.

it was a fun day. being around him feels natural again. i don't think it's unrealistic to hope for a strong friendship with him. =)

check out all the pics.

TV is taken already...

Yay!

free television

it's a tube television- 26"

not HD

with remote

free, if you want it.

let me know if you're interested.

iffen you wanna...

aaron could use some calls from friends...

if you know him and love him and wanna let him know you care, now is a great time to give him a ring.

if you don't have his phone number, let me know and i'll get it to you.

no obligation- just a tickle in your ear

new pics- roller derby and disc golf

i've uploaded some new photos... some from way back in february that never got posted. =)

roller derby



disc golf

feeling good

so there's been a lot of work to do on myself. yep.

but i also have to say that i'm really excited about all the work that i have ALREADY done. =)

breaking up with aaron shook me bad (and still shakes me). dating sam has opened up old wounds that i could hide from before.

it's like shaken baby syndrome with blistering boils.

but it feels like i've gotten some important work done and it's a base foundation to stand on. a lot of healing has happened. in a lot of ways, it's thanks to all my friends and family.

standing here now, i can see that i have a house to build. i want it to be a healthy house.

and the solid foundation gives me comfort, because i know the house is going to be all that i know it can be, now that i've gotten a few important things accomplished:
1. i found myself (for now)- here i am, right here. (seems so simple, but this is really big)
2. i don't need to know what the house will look like, have given myself permission to change it at any time.
3. i have some stronger trust in myself- i don't feel like i will need to change it much, trust my inner compass. (this last one is fairly new, is also really really big, and couldn't have happened until #2 fully happened)

feeling good about myself today.

feeling terrible about my job, but that's another whole story... =)

frenzy of dissatisfaction

feeling so restless in life, lately.

feeling like i still have so much to learn. wondering if most people in the world feel a little lost throughout parts of their lives, or do i just overthink things? probably both, eh?

is everyone so insecure about themselves? i'm sure everyone is a little, but insecure seems to be the word of the year for me.

how do other people deal with the insecurity?

how do i just let go, let it be and accept myself the way i am? unfinished.

i feel like i'm in some race with myself- to get myself done, to know everything there is to know, to be complete and be completely under control.

it's not enough to just learn, i have to know within myself what i learned, why i learned it and how i will never do THAT again, ever.

like there is some race to be 'perfect' and i know i could just get there if i worked hard enough.

the little voice inside me, the one that knows truth, says two things:
you are fine just the way you are now, be happy with yourself and appreciate the things about you that make you unique and so-called 'flawed'
relax, it doesn't all have to happen now

then the voice quiets down in the urgency of the day, and i work myself back up into some frenzy of dissatisfaction. and i become unhappy with myself. and scared.

i feel like the lesson this year really is patience. i need to learn patience.

joquese loyd- sad ending

quite a few years back, i joined the big brother/big sisters organization for a little more than a year.

the little girl they paired me with was joquese. she was such a challenge. she didn't behave well enough for me to take her into public (though i tried so many times), so we spent a lot of our time at my place, making salads and cookies together.

it was so hard spending time with her, because she was so misbehaved and troubled... because it reminded me of how scary adolescence is... because it reminded me of how scary a messed up home life can be... she was a challenge on so many levels.

in the end, her mother didn't cooperate with the rules of the program, so they terminated our match.

to be honest, i was glad that happened because i had come to dread my time with her.

why am i bringing this all up now?

well last night i saw on the news that she had been shot to death, at 15 years old.

sigh...
__________________

here are some of the details:

Police said another woman inside the house said Loyd was trying to get Johnson's attention by waving a kitchen knife in his face.

According to the complaint, the witness said Johnson pulled out a gun and set it on his lap. Loyd said she was not afraid of him, and that's when the witness said Johnson fired the gun at her. The first time the gun did not go off, but the complaint says the second time it did, hitting the teenager in the chest and killing her.

The complaint says he had had sexual relationships with both Loyd and another woman who was in the home at the time of the shooting.

Loyd is also known as Jacques Brown, with a birth date that would make her 19. She used that name and age when she was previously arrested, police said. They say she is actually 15.

all the info
__________________

when i think of her now, i think of all her dreams that she shared with me, her goal to not have sex before she was 18, how much she loved her daddy, how angry she was when she had to stay in her room, how much she loved math, what it was like when their little kitten died.

she was so young, and so troubled.

my heart is so heavy today.
-

ways to tell he's cheating...

okay, i saw this video posted on ybnby.com and it's hilarious.

thoughts:
1. it might just be the most direct way to tell if he's cheating...
2. check out the way they work the iphone into this!! (i cringed when she throws it off the balcony, oh, and don't miss the end of it...)

Moving day- This weekend!

Sam rented a truck and is moving the last of his things in on Sunday.
It's starting to seem much more real to me now.

It seems like such an easy decision, there isn't much to worry about,
but now I think of our no longer needing to drive to Apple Valley,
ever. And we can drive to work together everyday. Instead of wasting
gas, now we'll be saving gas. Woohoo!

As one should be, I'm a little nervous about whether or not we can
make it work. But I've learned a lot in the last few months about
focusing on today, and keeping an eye on the person I am, rather than
just the relationship I'm in.

I'm very excited about all that I've learned, and continue to learn.

And I'm excited about Sam!!

do you twitter?

if yes, please leave me a comment or send me an email with your twitter name so i can follow you.

(i have twinkle on my iphone now, which makes it oh so easy to twitter)

666th post- about flickr's love

this is my 666th post ever.

it's about flickr.

sam pointed out flickr's logo to me today. check it out, flickr loves you:









my heart is all warmy now.

actually, the truth is, I love flickr right back. especially since there is a new app for my phone that let's me use flickr to it's fullest wherever i am. now i need a logo that says: SUSAN (loves flickr)

from red cross to poison

last night, sam and i went to the airport to pick up his friend who was flying in late. by some stroke of fate, aaron happened to be leaving work there at the same time sam and i were holding hands and walking through the terminal.

he called my name and i turned to see him and walked over to him and said hello. it was a short conversation- why are you here, to pick up his friend, oh. i guess i'm going to go...

i tear up when i think of this short exchange, and here's why-

red cross

when we were together, there wasn't much that could get aaron down that i wasn't able to sort of pull him out of. if he was down, or confused, or angry, or hurting, he would turn to me and i would help him feel better. 99% of the time i was able.

poison

now when i see him, i feel like i'm the poison that makes him sick. he looks at me and i see pain or hurt and i'm not only powerless to help him, i'm actually the cause of it. if i try to talk to him, i just see the poison go deeper into his system.

i just love him so much and never intended to hurt him- it's a cruel twist of fate that now no one probably has the power to hurt him more.

i'm actually crying now, so i should go.

i am comfortable with the unknowns of life

this is what all of you said in my poll:


















it's been interesting to see how people feel about things, as i'm going through some life trials. as i look at these stats, the most interesting to me is that only 1 vote of 41 went to 'i'm rarely shaky'.

it's not really a surprise, but strangely reassuring, i think.

thanks for voting!

how about voting in my latest poll ------->

sq

how happy are you with the way you look?

pretty humorous:



the last line is the best...

fun to snoop around

sam and i visited his dad in wisconsin recently and while they were chit-chatting, i went on a little photography escapade in the living room, the side bedroom, the dining room and the bathroom.



the house previously belonged to sam's grandma before she passed away. sadly, the city has exercised imminent domain and is planning to destroy the house to make room for a jail. it's pretty sad actually.

i think sam and i will be helping his dad pack up most of these goodies this summer sometime. i'm glad i had a chance to photograph them in their natural habitat before that happens.

---

so anyway, there are two of the photos that leave me wondering: what the heck IS that?!

these are the photos-





































what do YOU think that is?- please leave a comment
-

funny article

it's worth a quick read- pretty cute.

Twins opener

Sam and I are at the Twins opener with my friend Chris. Twins are
winning 3-2.

bad dreams

one of my least favorite kinds of bad dreams are the ones where i relive some horrible part of my childhood, but with all the strength, wisdom (hopefully) and experience i have as an adult.

i just had a really awful dream, with many bad bad parts in it (eagle is injured and i have to help fix it, all my friends got laid off from work, i helped save a man's life just to watch him start stalking and abusing a woman).

the worst part was when my friends showed up at my house, there was all this naked fun with bubbles (not sure what that's about, wasn't really sexual) and we laughed really loud. my brother shushed us and said, you probably just woke dad up.

so of course, my dad can't hurt me anymore. first of all, he's dead. second, i'm an adult with good strong boundaries now.

so i say to my brother "let him come in here angry. i don't care". and my brother says something like- "what if he hits you." and i say "then i'll fucking press charges. he can't hurt me." in the dream, i feel the kind of strength and resolution i feel now when faced with a bully or an abuser- they can't hurt me, just let them try.

this kind of dream is so hard for me, because i wake up feeling like i 'fixed' it for myself as a kid. but then i revisit my childhood in my mind and i'm reminded that there's nothing i can do now to help that me. all those things happened to me, and i can't take them away no matter how strong and smart i am now. and i'm sad to remember. i know i need to, but it's hard.

it's also difficult to think of how my dad would have faired against someone strong and smart and wise. he wouldn't have stood a chance 'picking on someone his own size', so instead he picked on us. vulnerable, young, unformed children. and again i'm sad.

i know these dreams go a long way to helping me remember where i came from and gain the strength to deal with challenges today. they also do a real number on me as i'm forced to revisit those feelings of fear, dread, and terror that i was powerless to avoid.

it's a hard way to start a day. i'm thankful they are rare. =)

sam gave notice

sam gave notice to his apartment complex yesterday. he's moving in with me on june 1st. i'm pretty excited about it.

i feel like there's something more i want to say about it, but it just sounds like justification for this move, which i don't feel like i need to give.

in addition to all the struggles over the last 8 months, i've also struggled with the feelings of being judged and feeling like i need to defend myself against those who would say i'm doing the wrong thing by letting go of aaron and embracing sam so completely.

i hear voices in my head:
so soon? you just ruined aaron's life 6 months ago, and now sam's moving into the house you and aaron bought together?
are you sure you're not making a big mistake- do you even really know sam?
you're betraying aaron, you know that right?
you don't have any right to do this- you should be miserable after what has happened.
if aaron is hurting or struggling, do you really have a right to be happy and soaring?

i learned a long time ago how to distinguish my own voice from the other voices in my head. when people say that you should get in touch with your inner child, i think of that clear, strong, happy, hopeful voice inside that i know to be my own. then it's easy to hear how the voices i mention above are different, angry, judgmental... wrong.

so maybe my feelings of needing to justify have more to do with the voices in my own head, rather than those of people around me.

i suspect some people DO judge me. and that's normal.

for my own part, i'm thankful to be learning how to listen to the true me inside and make decisions based on her instincts.

so there. sam's moving in and i really couldn't be more excited. i wish we were moving into our own place, but that's just not possible yet. so we'll make the best of it, and i'll learn everything i possibly can about myself throughout the process.

excited!!

easter pictures

sam and i went down to wabasha minnesota to meet his dad, aunt and uncle for easter sunday brunch at the anderson house.



after we ate, we headed down to the eagle center and watched harriet (the eagle) eat a rat. then we scoped out eagles all along the shore.

i've never been to that part of minnesota, but i would really like to go back down there this spring or summer, since it's just so beautiful down there. incredible scenery!

it was a nice easter. =)

karma returned- thank you

in january, i posted about a nice card i received from a woman named barbara that i met on a plane last year.

today, i'd like to believe some karma made it full circle.

somehow, today i left my iphone in the bathroom at a caribou coffee for two hours while i met with a client.

HOW THE HELL COULD I DO THAT?!! JEEZ!!

well i did... i don't know how.

someone turned it in at the counter and we were actually reunited (adrenaline rush equal to nearly avoiding a head-on colision).

thank you to the person who turned it in.

seriously, though, thank you.

(btw, i love my iphone so much that if i ever somehow lost it for good [GASP!!], i would buy another one instantly, without hesitation, as soon as possible, without delay)

again, thanks!

Sam is nice!

The card says "happy spring".

Now I ask you: How can a girl NOT have a happy spring with someone
like Sam around?!

Kitty

She's cute.

shout run- perfect for friday

this video is freakin' hilarious. you have to actually watch it and it gets funnier the more you watch. it's nonsense and it just makes me laugh out loud, which is perfect for an early spring friday like this one. =)



enjoy!

(thanks michael)

Free window AC unit

nearly new. free to a good home. leave a comment if you're interested. =)

creative home page

check out this fun home page.

you can't order anything, and it's in dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. be sure your sound is turned on.

















thanks jennie!
-

Blogging from my phone!

Ever since I got my new phone, I've wanted to start mobile blogging.
This is my first mobile post!

These are my office friends: Dexter and Penelope.

Overnight Website Challenge- media

i finally had a chance to upload pictures and video, so here they are!

pictures



video


=)

feeling broken

ya know, i feel like i've worked so hard to overcome the bullshit from my childhood (here i am, whining again), that it just doesn't seem fair that there is still so much to sort out.

i feel broken, like i don't know how to love or be loved. like i'm really just starting the work i need to do to be healthy.

i don't feel qualified to give half of the advice i've actually given in my life. how rude is that?

i hear my mother's voice in my head, saying the things she would always say. the fear, the insecurity, the desire to isolate so that i can't be hurt.

i know others must feel this way.

i have so much work to do.

don't sweat the small stuff

this cat has the right attitude about life...

F1 Overnight Website Challenge

what have we done?!
so from 7:30am on saturday until about 2:30pm on sunday, i worked with a small group of folks to redesign a website for a non-profit- kairos dance.

the official story
sierra bravo (event sponsors) site
channel 5 news- developer interview
channel 5 news- non-profit interview

pics (i'll be adding mine to my flickr account soon, i hope)
here are pics just from our team (from maley)
also, you can see a million pictures from the event here

about our team
the guy in that news story was kris, he was our awesome designer/developer extraordinaire. we also had andrew on the design/video front. lori rocked it as our IA. erika (captain) and maley wrote the heck out of that site, and marc and forrest programmed from the ground up. i tried to help the day go smoothly by managing the process and client and refilling countless glasses of soda and red bull.

about our non-profit- kairos dance
kairos dance is a group committed to transforming lives through movement and story. their vision is really about how intergenerational dance in the community can reconnect us to ourselves and each other.

maria (and husband cris), reggie, tom and kyle all represented kairos. after the event was over, the group that put the event on, sierra bravo, said that each team had independently declared that their client was the best in the room, and each client had independently declared the same about thier team, which is a very nice thing to have happen. but since our client brought a creative brief, an initial IA, their own creative director and gave us the creative freedom to really shine, i am convinced our client really was the best in the room.

the new website we created for them will really help them take that next step forward and be able to win and collect the support they need to continue their work. i was so glad to be a part of the team that helped them get there.

before and after
here is their home page before and after the redesign:

































so that's the romantic story, here's the not-so-romantic...
i watched two inverse processes happen concurrently on saturday. our team went from excited and energized to exhausted and testy, while our client went from nervous and anxious to ecstatic!! and elated!! can you blame them? they watched a website materialize right before their very eyes- a website that will help them do more of the thing they so love to do.

it was difficult to watch our team get so tired and exhausted. i think it made it hard for us all to enjoy the thing we had just done. it's hard to get perspective when we hadn't gotten any sleep, the site wasn't completely error-free, i think we all felt responsible in our own way, and everyone in the room was sort of on top of each other.

we did a pretty great thing and in that moment it was so hard to enjoy that. also, with the client jumping around in excitement, it's hard not to pick up on that contrast and feel a little worse for it. it's easier to feel good about what happened after getting some space from it, but it was a difficult challenge to say the least.

also, big bummer, someone hit lori's car in the parking lot, which cost her a $500 deductable and also emotional angst about whether or not she is the recipient of bad karma. after what she just did all weekend??? if she somehow deserves what she got, that's not the kind of karma i want to believe in. ;-)

back to the happy
i'm thankful that i had the opportunity to work with such a bright and talented team. i'm thankful for the new networking connections i've made. i learned a lot about myself and how i deal with this sort of challenge. i got to be part of a large awesome process that did a lot of great work for minneapolis.

rumba- not your mothers juice

sam has gotten me 'addicted' to RUMBA energy juice, which i plan to make use of this weekend.

i hate crap like red bull and monster cause it's just a bunch of crappy chemicals meant to unnaturally boost your energy level- it's not natural for your body.

but then sam introduced me to RUMBA, which is 100% juice, and gosh darn it- i like it.

i still don't like unnaturally boosting my energy, since you really should get your energy from good food, healthy hydration and exercise, but for once in a while when i've stayed up late, or for a weekend like this one, i'm all for it. =)

plus, i like the taste of it.

who knew?

coming up- my no sleep weekend

so sierra bravo (a web development company) is putting on the F1 overnight website challenge- they're pairing 11 non-profit organizations with 11 web development teams to create 11 websites in one sleepless weekend.

sound like fun?

i thought so!! =)

so i joined my friend erika's team...

this weekend, i'll join two copywriters, one information architect, two graphic designers, and two developers to create a website for... well, to be honest, we have no idea who. we'll find that out on saturday morning!!

we're going to stay up all night making this thing happen, why?

well, i like the idea of volunteering for something great that will be over almost immediately. no ongoing commitment, since i'm plagued with over-commitment-syndrome but can't get enough commitment, apparently.

other great reasons peeps are doing this-
for the non-profits, they wouldn't get a website otherwise
to win (one team will be judged as MOST successful and get bragging rights)
to beef up their portfolio
to prove to themselves that they can stay up all night
to do something great while having fun
to get tons of free red bull

so anyway, wish me luck. i may, or may not, make it out alive...

heater destruction

the heater in the house is/was over 50 years old. it was pretty neat to watch cronstrom's rip it out to replace it. here are some cool before.n.after pics:



btw, cronstrom's was pretty fantastic. i would really recommend them to anyone who is planning to have heating/cooling work done on their home. they were recommended to us and i'm very glad we went with them.

boston... again.

sam and i went to boston for work again and we had tons of fun. we stayed over the weekend and did some sight seeing that we never had time for before.

we checked out:
kings chapel
three different graveyards (i really love those)
the north church
the south meeting house
the waterfront
uss constitution
mike's pastry- omg, the mousse cake and the fudge cake are simply amazing

check out the pics...



there's a lot of pics, so if you don't get through them all, make sure to check out the panaramic pics i took- i think they're the best:
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2281083062/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2280292871/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2281083118/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2281083162/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2281083194/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/
http://flickr.com/photos/squakk/2281083206/sizes/o/in/set-72157603954080611/

the blog will live...

not only did folks tell me they would miss my blog, people also reminded me that i should blog for my own reasons and if people decide to read it, then, cool!!

i'll be adding some new blogs as soon as possible... stay tuned, and thanks for the feedback!

love ya all!!

here's a video link sam just sent me, which involves a kitty. i haven't seen the video yet, but i'm sure it's wonderful. sam is afraid the kitty will get eaten, so be warned, maybe there will be blood (but i don't think so). i'm gonna go watch it now...

only two people care if i blog

so i heard from two of my readers (thanks jj and tracy) about whether or not i should keep blogging or hang it up.

that's a bit discouraging, but hey, it's the truth, right?

if you've been holding back your opinion about my recent post, please feel free to share. i'd hate to assume no one is interested based on a complete lack of response or something.

no sense of humor? really?

what i love about this...















...is that it tells me i am smart and also as dry as a wooden board.

blog direction- please help!

__________________________
why?

so i've had a little lull in blogging lately for several reasons:

1. my whole life changed before my very eyes and i didn't think it fair to those involved to share personal details whilst in the midst of the change.

2. my whole life changed before my very eyes and i didn't have the energy to breathe, much less log onto blogger and type actual words.

3. once things slowed down a bit, i realized that my vision for my blog had fallen somewhat out of focus.
__________________________
what?

so my blogging purpose is a little out of focus. can you help?

the purpose of my blog, as i previously defined it, was threefold:
1. to share online treasures that would expand the minds of my readers
2. to share my experiences
3. to share my photos/videos

sounds noble enough, right?

the first purpose seemed the most important, since i don't see myself as the 'my blog is really my journal' sort of blogger.

and in regards to that first purpose, my filter was this- if some treasure online made me stop and think 'wow, that's pretty sweet/different/geeky/innovative/special', then i would blog about it.

however, now, i see something that makes me think that at least once or twice a day, so that i have treasure overload and it all seems lame, somehow.

plus, maybe i just don't think my readers are having a hard time finding interesting stuff online, so what service am i really providing?
__________________________
now what?

so i'm considering two things:

1. blog about myself and don't worry about expanding the minds of my BLAH BLAH BLAH- why not have another journal.blog, eh? and besides, i don't call you all often enough so this may be the only way you know what's going on with me... if i go with this option, i'd leave the new 'internet stuff's' content in the right column over there (no images or preview, tho), which highlights the things i find on the internet all the time that i like (----->), but i'd just talk about myself and what's going on and i wouldn't feel the constant urge to come up with links and reviews of new/unique/cool stuff online (let myself off the hook, right?).
... or...
2. close my blog down- are the ramblings of s.r.q so interesting that ya'll will return just to read my thoughts and (gasp) feelings?? maybe this blog thing should really go away for awhile...

i dunno, what do you think? let me know if you feel strongly either way, or even if you don't feel strongly. is there a better option i've missed?

thanks in advance for your opinion...

susan has entered serious geekdom

it's true... i have an iphone. =)
























my favorite features so far:
i can get online just about anywhere, anytime
i can pull up a google map just about anywhere, anytime
every feature is integrated with every other feature
okay, it really has too many awesome features to be able to describe all my favs...

i can't wait to show it to you. let's hang out soon so you can check it out (if i'm not too nerdy for you now)!!

after mountains, more mountains

I heard a phrase recently: after mountains, more mountains.

the up and down and up and down- and seeing more ups and downs ahead.

when i feel sad, i have no choice but to feel it. there's no fix. nothing can be done. there's no escape.

there's just a lot of sad right now. and a huge desire to escape it with no actual ability to do that.

i'm at work, with practically nothing to do. i should just go home, but there's only more sad there.

untangle- game from satan

you may be able to untangle a few levels of this game (i got to level 12 before i let go finally)...





















...but can you untangle your brain once you are done?

less than half likely, i'm proud to say...

yep, it's probably mostly sorta safe to hang out with me.

46%

next poll should be: chances you would like to have your body eaten by others if they are trapped and starving.

if only saying it were the hardest part...

i hate it, i really do.

thinking about it makes me sick inside.

saying it with intent doesn't make me feel much better, but i feel like i need to come to terms with it, so here goes:

i'm getting a divorce.































seeing those words and thinking about the process i'm about to take brings tears to my eyes. there are so many difficult things to think about.

- i NEVER thought this would happen.
- it makes me think of our wedding day, and how much fun we had, and then i cry.
- i hate the idea that one of us will be a petitioner and one will be a responder. i want to do it together, like we did when we got married, but by the very nature of it, we are set up to be separate.
- i love aaron so so much and i'm still grieving the change of our relationship.
- i'm sad to think of how he feels about it.
- i hate that it seems to be all about money and splitting everything up. it just feels so cold and ugly and seems to be the wrong treatment to our relationship, which is real and alive and caring.
- i want to do it soon, to get it over with, so we can get on with our lives and our friendship. but i'm afraid aaron will feel like i can't get away from him fast enough, which just isn't true.
- it feels like such a formal step. i feel as weary of divorce as i was of marriage, and maybe even more so.
- i don't really know how to do this. i'd like to go cheap and maybe do it ourselves without lawyers, but jeez, how scary is that?
- i just don't have any money to spend on it. how ironic that it was the same way when we got married, but somehow it was more satisfying to find the money for that.
- i know i will be the one to own this process, which is exhausting just to think about.
- i think he is hoping there is still a chance we may get back together and when i file for divorce, it will kill that hope. it hurts me so bad to think about how that will hurt him. i've spent so much time working to help him and build a life with him, it's hard to be on this side of it now, almost destroying his life, even though i know that's not an accurate description of what's happening. i just feel rotten.
- it feels so wrong that the person that i shared all my time with is now a friend that i might schedule lunch with. so hard to get accustomed to the change, and depressing.
- divorce is such an ugly thing. i hate you divorce!

i'm so sad and i know he is too.

cloverfield ROCKS!!!

seriously, the movie was awesome. they really did a great job with it and i'm planning to see it again in the theater. maybe a couple more times.

really fantastic!! i hope you go see it!

fair?

the conversation over lunch today inspired me to create this (click on it to make it big enough to read):






















share your thoughts, or don't. it just helped me to get this out of my head.

[i am a project manager, not an designer, so please forgive]

dear santa letter- alicia renee

my niece dictated this santa letter to her teacher, who wrote it just the way she asked...

it says:

dear santa,

you are big and jolly. i like that. do you like stars? will you bring a pink bracelet for my mom? pink is her favorite color. my brother wants ten thousand trucks. my dad wants a pair of new screwdrivers. i want some sunglasses because the sun hurts my eyes. merry christmas santa. love alicia



i love that she starts by asking santa a question about himself and then asks for things for her family. she asks for her own gift last, and doesn't even ask for a toy. very practical, just like her aunt. =)

alicia lost her second tooth yesterday and is turning 6 next week. cliche, i know, but it's hard to believe she's growing up so fast.

her little brother, cole, is reading already and he's only 3.

i just love them so much and wish i could be closer to them.

transition update

aaron is moving into his own apartment this weekend. i'm planning to help him finish packing tomorrow and then move on sunday.

it's been so sad to make this transition. the grief and sorrow are sometimes so overwhelming, i cry without being able to stop.

when i'm in that place, i always try to remember:
- this is the way it needs to be, it just does
- it's not like we won't see each other
- i can love everything about aaron and accept him the way he is, but that doesn't mean we are right to be together
- this will be so good for us and we will both grow tons from it
- it's not an end, it's the natural progression of life

i remember those things, but sometimes they don't help and i'm just so damn sad.

on the flip side, i think aaron is showing more excitement than he was. either that or i caught him at a good moment yesterday. i hope he can get excited and see this as such a huge opportunity for him, which it is. the freedom may be scary at first, but i imagine it will grow on him quickly.

i love you, buddy.

cursor- collaborate with yourself?

beat my score, if you can... =)

this fetus looks like a duck

i actually squealed in delight when sam sent me the link to this site.

it's a site that shows pictures of things that shouldn't look like a duck, but do anyway.



















i know, squealing is so high school, but i just thought it was so funny.

now i'm on the lookout for anything that might look like a duck so i can take a picture. =)

ice pics

the ice is melting and it makes for prettiness, don't you think?

thanks for your thank you, barbara!

I got this card in the mail recently. it was so nice, i just have to share it with the internet and somehow pay the niceness forward a little.






















i met barbara on a plane when i was flying to denver for work. she wrote this to me:

_________________

dear susan-

you sat beside me on a plane from minneapolis to denver last april. when it looked like i might be stuck overnight in denver- you graciously offered to share your hotel room with me. that was so generous- i haven't forgotten. i meant to write and thank you sooner- but the time slips away so quickly.

i hope you will enjoy many blessings in the new year.

barbara
_________________

she ended up catching her connecting flight after all, so i didn't actually do anything for her, but it was so nice of her to send me the well wishes.

i love finding kind people in the world- it refreshes my belief in goodness.

thanks for the thoughtful card, barbara!

finding north

some friends helped me work through some stuff this weekend (thanks scott, linda, lori, julie and sam) and i feel like north is coming around.

i don't want to get excited too soon, in case north becomes more elusive, but i'm feeling so much better already.

=)

strange- when i open up my heart and ask questions, answers seem to come in their own sweet way.

i may be learning to trust myself again... (shhh, don't jinx it)

to sam

which way is north?

this transition has started to get pretty scary for me. i'm certain about my choice to change the nature of my relationship with aaron. i couldn't be more certain that it will be the best thing for me (and hopefully him).

after that certainty, there aren't any others. i doubt myself and my choices.

if something feels good, really good right now, is that because:
- it's new and therefore naturally exhilarating?
- i'm hiding the truth from myself because i want to feel good?
- it's the right thing and i can trust it?
- it's healthy for once?

if something feels off or wrong right now, is that because:
- it isn't right for me?
- it's new and therefore naturally a little unsettling?
- it's a transition period and therefore also naturally unsettling?
- i'm over-thinking it?
- it should feel a little off, it's healthy for once?

do i need to:
- seek immediate resolution (is good resolution possible in moments of high transition?)?
- grow in some way (do i call it growing, but really it's just compromising myself until i feel okay with something that's not right)?
- let go until things calm down, just focus on the feelings, but not on making changes?
- take a stand and refuse to let the situation continue?

how do i trust my senses and my instincts ever again? this is the second time in my life when i woke up to realize i wanted to choose a completely different life path for myself than i was currently taking.

i feel like i'm in my bedroom as a child again. my dad is coming into the room. i know he wants to see that i'm not unhappy with what is happening, so i disconnect and show him what he wants to see. i bury the real thoughts so deep, they never have a chance to get out. AND, i believe that's the right thing to do because i don't want to be disruptive. it's somehow worth it because...

well i guess that's the part i just don't understand. is it worth it because it keeps the peace? i hardly seem to be afraid of not keeping the peace in a lot of different parts of my life. does it just have to do with my relationships with men?

regardless, i know that i am capable of carrying on a life in front of myself that goes against the things i really want and need. i know that about myself. and in knowing that about myself, how can i have any trust in any of my choices?

part of me says let go and just live, it will work itself out. but part of me knows that i've done that twice now, and woken up years later needing to make a big change.

i feel so overwhelmed. scared. sad. angry. alone.

i feel like i had confidence in myself before this. now i feel like i've lost my compass and north is nowhere to be found.

my hopes

i listed some of my hopes in a recent blog: Life Revolution- am i ready to blog again?

i would like to add this one.

i hope i'll be able to resist the urge to 1) try to predict the full and final outcome of life based on each and any particular choice and 2) paralyze myself with the uncertainty that undoubtedly and naturally follows such an approach.
___________________________

vote, if you like ----->

happy birthday kat!

she's a great friend. she's a fun, smart and lovely person. i'm so glad she's in my life.

i love you kat!

magnifique!

it's a little long, but very fun (no pun intended).