joquese loyd- sad ending

quite a few years back, i joined the big brother/big sisters organization for a little more than a year.

the little girl they paired me with was joquese. she was such a challenge. she didn't behave well enough for me to take her into public (though i tried so many times), so we spent a lot of our time at my place, making salads and cookies together.

it was so hard spending time with her, because she was so misbehaved and troubled... because it reminded me of how scary adolescence is... because it reminded me of how scary a messed up home life can be... she was a challenge on so many levels.

in the end, her mother didn't cooperate with the rules of the program, so they terminated our match.

to be honest, i was glad that happened because i had come to dread my time with her.

why am i bringing this all up now?

well last night i saw on the news that she had been shot to death, at 15 years old.

sigh...
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here are some of the details:

Police said another woman inside the house said Loyd was trying to get Johnson's attention by waving a kitchen knife in his face.

According to the complaint, the witness said Johnson pulled out a gun and set it on his lap. Loyd said she was not afraid of him, and that's when the witness said Johnson fired the gun at her. The first time the gun did not go off, but the complaint says the second time it did, hitting the teenager in the chest and killing her.

The complaint says he had had sexual relationships with both Loyd and another woman who was in the home at the time of the shooting.

Loyd is also known as Jacques Brown, with a birth date that would make her 19. She used that name and age when she was previously arrested, police said. They say she is actually 15.

all the info
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when i think of her now, i think of all her dreams that she shared with me, her goal to not have sex before she was 18, how much she loved her daddy, how angry she was when she had to stay in her room, how much she loved math, what it was like when their little kitten died.

she was so young, and so troubled.

my heart is so heavy today.
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ways to tell he's cheating...

okay, i saw this video posted on ybnby.com and it's hilarious.

thoughts:
1. it might just be the most direct way to tell if he's cheating...
2. check out the way they work the iphone into this!! (i cringed when she throws it off the balcony, oh, and don't miss the end of it...)

Moving day- This weekend!

Sam rented a truck and is moving the last of his things in on Sunday.
It's starting to seem much more real to me now.

It seems like such an easy decision, there isn't much to worry about,
but now I think of our no longer needing to drive to Apple Valley,
ever. And we can drive to work together everyday. Instead of wasting
gas, now we'll be saving gas. Woohoo!

As one should be, I'm a little nervous about whether or not we can
make it work. But I've learned a lot in the last few months about
focusing on today, and keeping an eye on the person I am, rather than
just the relationship I'm in.

I'm very excited about all that I've learned, and continue to learn.

And I'm excited about Sam!!

do you twitter?

if yes, please leave me a comment or send me an email with your twitter name so i can follow you.

(i have twinkle on my iphone now, which makes it oh so easy to twitter)

666th post- about flickr's love

this is my 666th post ever.

it's about flickr.

sam pointed out flickr's logo to me today. check it out, flickr loves you:









my heart is all warmy now.

actually, the truth is, I love flickr right back. especially since there is a new app for my phone that let's me use flickr to it's fullest wherever i am. now i need a logo that says: SUSAN (loves flickr)

from red cross to poison

last night, sam and i went to the airport to pick up his friend who was flying in late. by some stroke of fate, aaron happened to be leaving work there at the same time sam and i were holding hands and walking through the terminal.

he called my name and i turned to see him and walked over to him and said hello. it was a short conversation- why are you here, to pick up his friend, oh. i guess i'm going to go...

i tear up when i think of this short exchange, and here's why-

red cross

when we were together, there wasn't much that could get aaron down that i wasn't able to sort of pull him out of. if he was down, or confused, or angry, or hurting, he would turn to me and i would help him feel better. 99% of the time i was able.

poison

now when i see him, i feel like i'm the poison that makes him sick. he looks at me and i see pain or hurt and i'm not only powerless to help him, i'm actually the cause of it. if i try to talk to him, i just see the poison go deeper into his system.

i just love him so much and never intended to hurt him- it's a cruel twist of fate that now no one probably has the power to hurt him more.

i'm actually crying now, so i should go.

i am comfortable with the unknowns of life

this is what all of you said in my poll:


















it's been interesting to see how people feel about things, as i'm going through some life trials. as i look at these stats, the most interesting to me is that only 1 vote of 41 went to 'i'm rarely shaky'.

it's not really a surprise, but strangely reassuring, i think.

thanks for voting!

how about voting in my latest poll ------->

sq

how happy are you with the way you look?

pretty humorous:



the last line is the best...

fun to snoop around

sam and i visited his dad in wisconsin recently and while they were chit-chatting, i went on a little photography escapade in the living room, the side bedroom, the dining room and the bathroom.



the house previously belonged to sam's grandma before she passed away. sadly, the city has exercised imminent domain and is planning to destroy the house to make room for a jail. it's pretty sad actually.

i think sam and i will be helping his dad pack up most of these goodies this summer sometime. i'm glad i had a chance to photograph them in their natural habitat before that happens.

---

so anyway, there are two of the photos that leave me wondering: what the heck IS that?!

these are the photos-





































what do YOU think that is?- please leave a comment
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funny article

it's worth a quick read- pretty cute.